phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
