Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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