I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
my sisters under your porch take her home
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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