My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
