Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
