I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
