I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
