I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
