I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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