My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
