Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
