At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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