I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
