she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
He passed out mid-signature
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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