I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Randomize
