I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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