Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
