there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
