So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Sober January is a disaster.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
