You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
We talked him into tasing himself.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
