She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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