I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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