swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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