dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Randomize
