I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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