im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
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