I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
She's just so happy...and so naked.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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