the condom got lost in my hair
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Acid is not a monday night drug
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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