my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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