this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
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