This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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