Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
