he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Panties = found
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
