you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
