I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
