Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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