I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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