the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
