She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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