I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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