I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
