Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
