you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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