1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
