I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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