I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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