Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
