and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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