So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
