I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
